WHEN you first enter a relationship, it seems like the honeymoon phase will never end.
You are showered with love, go out on dates all the time, and even begin envisioning a future together - but that sadly won't last long when you're in a relationship with a narcissist.
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Someone who is a narcissist is often so involved with their own goals, well-being, and needs that they completely shut down those around them, according to the Mayo Clinic.
They can be considered selfish to an extreme degree.
Dr. Christie Kederian, who is a psychotherapist, relationship expert, and dating coach, exclusively revealed to The US Sun the not-so-obvious signs that you might be dating a narcissist.
NO EMPATHY
"Narcissism exists in a spectrum. Even from a young age, we will all show narcissistic traits," Dr. Kederian explained.
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"We cry, we want attention, but as we grow up, we develop empathy.
"And someone who is a narcissist does not have the capacity of empathy, doesn't see things from someone else's point of view, and they go through life as babies."
This basically means that they will often get upset when their personal needs aren't being met, may think the whole world revolves around them and will see people as transactional.
This is important to note because you might notice that your relationship with a narcissist is based on what you can do for them.
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"They don't see the opportunity to be transformed through a relationship," Dr. Kederian explained.
GASLIGHTING
The term gaslighting has become popular these days as people begin to call out manipulation tactics in relationships.
Gaslighting, which can be considered emotional abuse, is when someone misleads their partner.
A gaslighter creates a false narrative and makes the other party question their judgments and reality.
This can look like the offender saying you are overreacting to a situation, telling you that something didn't happen as you remember it, or distracting you from the issue.
They might also put the blame on you when it's ultimately theirs, deny any wrongdoing, and even use kind words to make you feel bad.
You might hear sentences like "You know I love you, I wouldn't do anything to hurt you," for example.
Ultimately, a victim of gaslighting will feel unsure about their perceptions and even wonder if they are losing their sanity.
STONEWALLING
Stonewalling is when someone avoids conversations or refuses to talk to someone.
For some people, this is a coping mechanism to minimize or avoid conflict. But for a narcissist, it's a manipulation tactic.
No matter the reason, stonewalling is detrimental to a relationship.
As a form of punishment, narcissists will pretend like you don't exist for a few days and then come back to you as if nothing happened, or they might wait until you crack and give in to their needs.
This can be after a fight, when they give the "silent treatment," or anytime when you don't do something they want you to.
It's important to note that stonewalling is NOT the same as asking for space after a conflict or setting boundaries. It's a punishment.
RESENTMENT FUELS THEM
This is very important because it will tell you how they feel about the people in their lives.
"Notice how they speak about past relationships or work environments. If it's always someone else's fault and they are the good one or the holy savior, then they might show narcissistic traits," Dr. Kederian explained.
This might look like the narcissist putting the blame on everyone except themselves.
You might hear them blame their dad for their "bad childhood" or for their lack of communication. They might say that their boss had it out for them if they are overlooked for a promotion or are fired. They'll even claim it was always their exes' fault for the demise of their past romantic relationships.
"It's a theme across their lives," Dr. Kederian warned.
NO CLOSE RELATIONSHIPS
Because of all the traits mentioned before, someone who is a narcissist might still speak with friends, former lovers, and their family members, but they won't have a close relationship.
To narcissists, relationships don't have any value unless they are transactional.
"This is what I tell people to watch out for early in the relationship because we might be empathetic as to their lack of close friendships, but it's ultimately a huge red flag," Dr. Kederian explained.
"Then we notice that they are the common denominator. They need people to feed their ego and will cut them off."
LOVE BOMBING
"In the beginning, there is a lot of admiration and adoration for you. They are very charming and you think 'This is the best person in the world,'" the relationship expert explained.
"Really, they are acting out of what we call a false self. They learn to do that to get what they need.
"When the honeymoon phase is over, they start to shift."
Dr. Kederian explained that, for married couples, this shift often happens when they have a baby.
The attention will then go to the infant and the narcissist might grow resentful, spending more time out of the home, and even seeking attention outside.
DON'T LIKE BOUNDARIES
"Narcissists don't like boundaries," Dr. Kederian explained. "The relationship might not even develop if you are strong with your boundaries early on."
Noticing how someone reacts to your boundaries at the beginning of the relationship is also key in seeing whether your partner is a narcissist or not.
They might act out or get angry when you can't shift your schedule and go out on the days they want you to.
A narcissist will also be put off when you express you might not feel comfortable with certain things they are pushing on you.
DON'T INITIATE THE END OF A RELATIONSHIP
Dr. Kederian explained that, in her many years of experience, it's very rare for a narcissist to file divorce papers or end a romantic relationship.
"It's usually the partner who calls it quits first because they'll make you feel so miserable, you'll snap and finally walk away," she claimed.
"There is a lot of infidelity in narcissistic relationships because they will stay married to the person but they aren't getting their needs met, so they'll seek it elsewhere."
They could also hyper-fixate on their work and their success. They will do whatever it takes to keep feeding their ego.
WON'T GET PROFESSIONAL HELP
Because a narcissist believes their issues are due to other people, they won't really look for help to fix themselves.
"Someone who is a narcissist doesn't know they are this way," she explained. And because of this, they tend to be anti-therapy.
When they do end up in therapy, it's because of their partner and they might seek help as a couple.
"It's difficult for them to take responsibility so we usually find them in couples therapy, but they can't make the process work," she added.
"Most of the time, it's very challenging to get them to see who they are and have insight."
However, there have been some people who have done the work to try and be less narcissistic.
WHAT DO I DO?
It is absolutely possible to leave a relationship with someone who portrays narcissistic traits.
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It will take a lot of work to heal from that relationship if you spent a long time with the person, but it's also possible to move on.
Sadly, there are situations when people decide to stay, because, according to Dr. Kederian, there are children involved or there are other ulterior reasons that leaving could make worse.
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