TW: This article contains references to baby loss and miscarriage.
Societal conversations concerning pregnancy loss may be starting to open up, but the experience is still misunderstood by those who have not lived through it personally.
I lost my baby at 20 weeks pregnant. I birthed him on towels on the floor of my bathroom at home in the middle of the night and watched the gentle movement of his mouth as he took his last breaths. Paramedics arrived soon after my son was born. They gently advised me to stop my resuscitation attempts, explaining that his lungs were too small to cope with the outside world. I was taken to hospital in an ambulance, my son lying on my chest, with my mind unable to accept what had just happened. I remember how I felt the temperature of my baby’s small body getting colder as I watched the street lights pass the window as we made our way to A&E.
That is what happened when I experienced pregnancy loss. But what of the mothers who give birth earlier in pregnancy and, usually in a moment of trauma and panic, flush their baby, or fetus (or any other term they choose to use), in the toilet? We often place shame and personal blame on ourselves when we lose a pregnancy at any stage. For many, the additional guilt and trauma of flushing their miscarried baby, or fetus, in the toilet is something that can be extremely hard to talk (or even think) about.
Flushing after experiencing the loss of a pregnancy on the toilet is a natural reaction to a shocking event. There is nothing to feel shame or guilt about. Many women have been through this experience as, at the time, it feels like the only thing they could do.
Only later are there considerations of how else they may have reacted at that moment. Most mothers will press flush as an immediate reaction and then face the reality of their pregnancy loss. From speaking to hundreds of women about their own pregnancy loss, this situation is not uncommon.
The bathroom is the first place most mothers go when they feel fluid release between their legs. When you are pregnant, it is a practical thought in a moment of panic. There is often pressure and cramping within the body, and blood loss, so it is instinctive to head to the toilet where there is usually a tiled floor, a toilet to hold further fluid that you suspect may follow. But what happens when the fluid becomes a pregnancy loss?
I spoke with one mother, who wishes to remain anonymous, about her experience of uncertainty when faced with the reality of seeing her tiny baby in the water of her toilet:
“As I had miscarried before, I instinctively knew that what I was going through was the same experience. My first miscarriage happened while I was in the hospital, so it was quite controlled. At almost three months pregnant, I had a scheduled scan and already felt as though something was not right. It was confirmed at the scan that my baby had died a few weeks earlier. I had a D&C that day, so deciding what to do with my baby was a discussion and then a procedure.
"When I miscarried at home, I was alone. I couldn’t reach my husband on the phone, and I felt there was nobody to ask for advice on what I should do. I knew something was very wrong; I had sharp pains and blood spotting in my knickers, the same signs as when I lost my first pregnancy. I sat on the toilet and, with a small push, felt my baby leave me. I was in shock, there was blood everywhere, and I was doubled over in pain. I could see the shape of my baby in the water but didn’t think I had any other option at the time but to flush.
"I deeply regret that decision and felt so guilty for months after. I still feel guilty, thinking of the last place I saw my baby. I was distraught at losing another baby: I was alone in my home. I did the only thing I could think of at that time.”
Unless you have a pre-planned medical procedure, such as a D&C (dilation and curettage), there is little control over when your baby, or fetus, may leave your body while experiencing a miscarriage.
Pregnancy loss happens in so many situations; at home, at work, and while out with friends. It’s often the case that the mother won’t call someone else to the bathroom, not even their partner. The guilt, shock and shame mothers feel may not be justified, but can be a huge weight on top of an already traumatic experience. Internal questions are asked of whether this should be a shared experience or something to do silently and alone. And many mothers do go through this alone.
Through conversations with women who kindly spoke to me for my book, some had lived through the experience of flushing when they had miscarried on the toilet. In every conversation, each woman had the same reaction – they were deeply traumatised at having just lost a pregnancy and, at the time, did the best they could to survive the experience both mentally and physically.
Although most women know their reaction was a natural one and that others would do the same, there can still be an enormous amount of guilt for having made that decision.
Therapist Claire Bidwell Smith gave the following advice about how you may be able to release the guilt and pain of seeing your baby leave you in this way:
“There’s no way to change what’s happened, and it’s never going to feel okay for the mother. Accepting those facts is the first step. But the mother also has to have self-forgiveness and self-compassion. Meditations and exercises for self-forgiveness are so important.
"One of the things that can be helpful is creating a spiritual and internal relationship with your baby, really connecting with your baby. It’s about finding a way to create this other relationship with your baby. The work is to forgive yourself for being human, and doing this thing, and let yourself have this beautiful spiritual relationship with your baby.”
With this particular experience being one that is enveloped in misplaced shame for many mothers, seeing a counsellor or healer can be beneficial in helping to reframe what has happened and release the blame you place on yourself for making an impossible and very
natural decision.
Although you cannot change what has happened, it can be helpful for some mothers to create a space where they can honour their baby. Planting a tree and watching it grow can be hugely comforting, or having a small statue or symbol in the home which signifies the memory of a lost life can allow mothers to feel a connection to their baby.
It can be helpful to reframe the memory of seeing your baby in the toilet, where you may then imagine the worst for them. Visualising your baby floating out to sea, finding peace and being in a harmonious state will bring a gentler image to mind when you think of your baby. There is so much that women blame themselves for when they live through pregnancy loss. Still, ultimately it is reminding yourself that you would never have caused intentional harm to your baby and that you loved them, however many weeks pregnant you were.
Pippa Vosper is the author of Beyond Grief: Navigating the Journey of Pregnancy and Baby Loss, which will be published on 25 August 2022.
